My Shipper Heart
by Marvar
Summary: Edward wasn't looking for anyone, but he found her just the same. It's too bad she thinks he's just a client.
1. Chapter 1

So this began as an entry for the Meet the Mate Contest. I didn't win, but I did get back into writing. Hope you enjoy this.

.

.

.

.

.

I'm currently in my living room contemplating a coffee IV because I've been up for forty hours straight trying to refine the beta version of my new website. I think it's going to be an instant hit and social media will be all over it, but first I need to convince my best friends to be my business partners.

Which might be a tiny challenge. Because while my friends are smart, savvy women, they are not very goal-oriented and tend to get a bit distracted from their life goals.

Like graduating and jobs.

Even though we haven't graduated yet (I have one semester left and they are midway through the six year plan), I know that starting my company now is imperative, because in the tech world, timing is everything. So I'm going to run myself ragged for a few more months until I graduate. It's not like I have a social life anyway. Which makes the subject matter of my site even more ironic.

I launch into my presentation of the new website and app I've designed over the last semester. I got the idea while creating my final project for my computer entrepreneurship class. I got an A and an offer from my professor for investment, so I know it's rock-solid. I come to the end of the presentation, and look over to my two friends, waiting for their reactions to my excellent presentation.

"So we are going to be paid to sext guys?" Alice and Rosalie say, almost in tandem.

So much for my excellent presentation. I toss my notes in the air. I should have made an angry cat video instead.

"Of course not. That's what you're coming away with from my ten minute spiel?"

"We're just kidding. I just like when you get frustrated. You get a huge, throbbing vein on your forehead. I've named it Peter," Alice says, like that's normal.

"Peter. Excellent. Like a dick. And it's throbbing too," Rose chimes in.

"Duh," Alice says. "Where do you think I got the idea, Rose?"

"Um, can we get back to this, please? You people are missing the point."

"I get it, Bella," Alice replies. "People sign up and we send them text messages and emails and stuff so other people will think that they have a girlfriend. But not."

"Er, yeah."

"Such a professional answer," she says sarcastically. "I'm not sure you're CEO material. Though I do buy into this whole 'Silicon Valley' nerd thing you have going, I'm thinking our clients need real girlfriends, not fake ones."

"You would know about fake and silicon."

"Please. My tits are one hundred percent saline," Rose scoffs.

"Silicon is making a comeback, Rose. I was thinking of doing a tiny ass implant," Alice says.

"I will totally plant something up your ass, Alice," I say, gritting my teeth. She bends over and wiggles. Of course she's not offended. "Can we get back to this?"

"Um, you brought up the tit talk."

I roll my eyes. "Look. It's a site for people who, for whatever reason, need a pretend girlfriend. Like if they have parental pressure to get set up all the time or pushy women always throwing themselves at them and can't take a hint. We will be there to offer our services. You'll be the fake girlfriends to start out. As we get bigger, we'll hire staff."

"It's like a dating site because we do profiles of the clients to see what they like, but no one ever meets?" Alice asks.

"Yes. They fill out a questionnaire that provides a backstory. That's what I want you to work on. You have the writing expertise. And Rose will be the expert at-"

"The booty calls," Alice interrupts. Rose throws a muffin at her head.

"There will be no booty calls! It's not Tinder, for fuck's sake. No physical contact at all."

"Lucky fuckers. They're getting me cheap. Twenty-five dollars. Pish." Rosalie scoffs. "I still think it should be more."

"My research shows that's a doable price point for the basic service."

"We don't we charge extra for booty calls? I think that's a lost opportunity," Alice asks. "Research that, Bella."

"Like she needs a poll to find out if we're doable for twenty-five bucks," Rose replies.

"Jimmy Christmas." I sigh. These two exhaust me. "Rose will obviously be the media expert-"

"Having tons of followers like a Kardashian-in-training doesn't make her a media expert."

"No, but my almost degree in business media qualifies me. And don't call me a Kardashian. I don't have a giant ass."

"Kim has two giant asses. I'm counting Kanye. And you do have a fuck tape," Alice retorts.

"We swore we would never speak of that again," Rose says through gritted teeth.

"You swore. Not me."

"Bella?" Rose whines.

"Don't include me in this again. I wasn't the one who drank the worm in Cancun. You're really lucky that you wore that Nacho Libre mask in it so no one can tell it's you. But can we please get back to business? Are you in or out?"

"Bella, do you really think this is going to work? I mean, are people that desperate?"

Before I reply, Rose answers, "It's a fantastic idea, Alice. I might use it to get my mom off my back if we can find some guys to work the site. Texts from a woman won't work. She won't believe that I've turned to the pink side."

I laugh. "Especially not after all the times she caught you with Garrett at your house senior year."

"Oh, Garrett," she sighs.

"That sounds like what you were yelling on prom night," I mutter.

"That boy sure knew how to eat some pus-"

"Ugh, Rose. Can we not go there right now? Or like ever?" I put my hand on my face and rub my eyes in frustration.

Alice does not concur. "Oh, this is a good story. I like the part when her legs were over his shoulders in the hot tub and she was doing a semi-handstand."

"All those gymnastics lessons really paid off." Rose sighs again, obviously reminiscing about her sexcapades.

"Ugh. Maybe I should have started a sex site. You two pros can't stop talking about it." I feel like throwing all my charts and projections I compiled out the window. These two could go on like this for hours, and while usually I'm amused, we're glossing over my company this time- and not the latest Buzzfeed quiz.

"I wish you had pics of Garrett's wang. Now that would've been a fuck tape to cherish," Alice says with a sigh.

"Because some fuck tapes are precious," I snark.

"Oh...his would be. That was one hell of a cock," Rose says wistfully. "Why do you think I can't find a decent guy now? No one can measure up."

"He was a total dick to you, Rose, when he left for college," I remind her.

"I know he was a dick. I meant that no one could measure up, literally. He was at least eight inches. He'd get so deep I think he bruised my intestines once."

"Are you sure you're not premed, Rose?" Alice asks. "With that excellent anatomy knowledge?"

"You're just jealous, Alice. Your last boyfriend, 'Little Mikey,' couldn't hit that right with a bat, let alone his tiny peen."

Alice stays quiet for a beat. "Agreed. I'm in, Bella. Maybe if we make a ton of money I can buy a well-hung boy toy to service me."

"I'm in too," says Rose. "Because the same."

"Maybe I should make a boy toy finder site instead. There's obviously a large market."

"That's a great idea, Bella. All of my mom's friends would use it. Those cougars have money, too."

"Definitely need to charge extra for booty calls on that app, Bella. I think you should focus on this idea instead."

"We can call it 'Findr.' Like with no 'E' in it. That's like a thing now."

"Ooh, Rose. I love it. You are a media genius."

Rose beams. I groan. Alice claps like a seal.

"I'll get on that male prostitute app right after I launch this one, okay? I'll need to make some bail money first."

"So touchy, Rose, isn't she?"

"We all just need to get laid. Maybe we can hook up with one of these desperate losers Bella wants us to chat up for cash."

"Excellent. Can you use that line in the media package? 'We'll hook up with desperate losers over the internet for cash.' "

"Okay, Bella. The sarcasm is getting a little over the top, now. Geez," Alice says, making a gesture to Rosalie that implies that she doesn't think I'm sane.

"Too much caffeine and not enough cock."

Alice and Rose laugh like hyenas. Or total cunts. However you want to label it. Though Rosalie is one hundred percent correct, I don't admit it to them. I just change the subject.

"So...names? I wanted your input."

"Loser. But spelled with no E."

"Loner. But l-o-n-r."

"How about 'you're both cunts' but with no E?" I say sweetly.

"That idea is terrible and doesn't even make sense. No wonder you need us," Rose replies.

"I guess we can go with your first choice," Alice says. "Though I think we should drop the 'E.' "

Rose agrees. "But you know she has this thing about spelling, Al. I'm getting pretty sick of her correcting my text messages."

"Oh! Yes...she does shouty caps at me all the time: 'UR IS AN ANCIENT SUMERIAN CITY, NOT THE SAME AS YOU'RE.' "

"She threatened me with bodily harm just last week when I wrote 'see you later.' " Rose says.

"Oh my god. You wrote the letter C, the letter U, and L-8-R. Like you couldn't type the actual words?"

"I don't know if I can handle this hostile work environment, Rose. What's the policy on leave for emotional scarring for this company?"

"Ooh. Good question."

"It actually is. Because I think I'm going to take leave based on this conversation with you two."

"See? Totally hostile," Alice says, side-eyeing Rose.

"Okay. Enough. Are you two are completely on board?"

They look at each other. Then at me.

"Abso."

"Lutely."

"Then I guess Shipper is a go."

.

.

.

.

.

Many thanks the the lovely Cosmogirl7481 for reading this and still being my friend. You should be reading her new story, Scorched.

The wonderful MariahajilE pre-read this for me and said it didn't suck.

This is a short story and mostly finished. I will post every few days until completed. Then i will tackle the epilogue of Caught Looking for those that are still interested.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the positive response to this story.

.

.

.

.

.

Two months later we're up to our asses in guys, and women-because we're not here to judge whom one fake loves. Who knew there was such a strong market for this?

Oh yeah, me...because I'm brilliant like that. I'm making a killing right now with so many clients I can barely keep up. Luckily I'm almost done with school or I'd be seriously close to an energy drink addiction.

We're about to expand into offering fake boyfriends soon. It took a while to recruit some dependable men that weren't total douchebags. I mean, part of the problem with having a real boyfriend is that the unworthy ones can't keep an open line of communication.

It took a while to find some guys who needed jobs that could text in a timely manner and not be a total pervert (Rose and Alice did that research). Try finding that at your local university.

But Jasper and Emmett seem to be good guys - though I wondered if they were like eighty years old because of their names until I saw their birth dates. The third new guy was recommended by them.

The three new hires show up for our training session at our office (my house-because office space is expensive and this is a tiny company).

The guys walk in and introduce themselves to us. I shake hands but notice Alice and Rose haven't moved. Alice makes some sort of noncommittal sound, and Rose says nothing as she looks around the room.

"Um, ladies? Maybe you introduce yourselves? It's getting a little weird."

"Uh, right. I'm er, Alice, and this is um, Rose."

Rose nods nervously.

Jasper and Emmett grin and Demitri waves. There's a strange vibe in the room, but I ignore it and continue with the training. They get their client lists and phones and finally leave. The girls have said very little.

"So what the actual fuck was that about?" I ask. "Usually you two don't shut the hell up. Especially around three hot guys."

They both look at each other, each seeming to try to communicate wordlessly.

"Wesortofalreadyhookedupwiththem," comes out in one long stream.

Because we've been friends for many years, I understand them immediately. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. "Is that it?"

"Well, we tried to play it cool. We were worried you'd get mad, and they were worried they wouldn't get the jobs if we were involved," Rose says.

"Involved? Not just fucking?" I ask.

"Jasper is my soulmate. I can't speak for Rose."

"Ri-ight. Soulmate. And Rose, your soulmate? Emmett or Demitri?"

"Emmett is the hottest fuck I've ever had. His cock should be bronzed and put on a pedestal."

"Fantastic. So we have a bronze cock and soulmate."

"Like you have to be so crude, Bella? Geez," Rose says huffily.

"Crude? You were the one who was talking about metal alloy dick."

"How do you manage to make something so beautiful seem gross?" Alice asks.

"Beautiful," I huff. "Right."

"Emmett's cock is beautiful...no matter what Bella says...words can't bring it do-ow-nah...oh noooo-"

Oh no is right. We've come to the Alice-sings-her-own-lyrics portion of the the night, folks. Things are going south from here.

"Emmett's peen is beautiful in every single way..."

Far, far, south.

"Someone please go down on Bella to-daaaay..."

Like Antarctica.

.

.

.

"Hey, Edward. So are you going to sign up for our service, or what?" Emmett asks while we sit at lunch. "If I have to hear you bitch about your mom trying to set you up with another girl, I'm going to lose my shit."

My mother has decided that I must date someone or her life isn't complete. She's been hounding me to date several of her friends' daughters. I was sort of a late bloomer and never dated too much in high school. I haven't made my few college conquests known to her, so I believe she thinks I'm socially inept. It can't be the fear of not having grandchildren because I'm only twenty-four for fuck's sake.

And yesterday's girl really took the cake. As in she actually took all the cake my mom made. I think she hid it in her purse when we weren't looking. This was after not eating any of the lunch she was served because she was "watching her carbs."

"I'm going to lose _my_ shit, Emmett. My mom had someone waiting for me when I went over yesterday. Straight up freak." I stop them before they comment. "And not the good kind. I think she stole a few of my hairs."

"Maybe she's going to clone you in her basement," Jasper says. They both laugh. I was thinking "hair suit" but keep that to myself.

"You'd think your mom would pick better chicks," adds Emmett.

"Right? All losers and not even hot. And she keeps offering me different girls every time I visit. She has pictures of new ones. My mom is a pimp with a scrapbook of desperation."

"I don't get it," says Jasper. "You're perfectly capable of getting your own dates. You're reasonably good looking-"

"Thanks so much." I glare at him. Emmett laughs.

Dicks.

"And you're smart and sort of fit - if you keep working out that is," he continues. "Why aren't you dating?"

"Is it erectile disfunction?" Emmett whispers loudly. The ladies at the next table glance over at me, wide-eyed.

"I bet his mom saw that cable show where the weird loner dudes fall in love with their car or like a Ferris wheel. She got worried when she was reminded of Edward," adds Jasper.

"He does wax that Volvo a lot," Emmett says, wide-eyed.

"What the fuck...now I'm a weird loner dude that either can't get it up or fucks his Volvo in the tailpipe?" They both shrug and start laughing. I flip both of them off. "I don't...How do you even come up with this shit?"

"Me thinks the gentleman doth protest too much about boning a car," Jasper says.

"Shakespeare. Nice." Emmett nods his appreciation.

"He's a regular Sir Ian McKellen," I say angrily. "Magneto, you stupid fucks," I add when I see their blank looks. "And that wasn't even correct. How are you two drama majors?"

"We like pretending to do shit," says Emmett.

"Ok-aay. How about pretending to have a clue?"

"Dude." Emmett looks hurt. He blinks his eyes. I see a tear forming. What the fuck?

"Are you actually crying?" He's making weird sounds and rocking. Then he stands, and his face clears.

"And scene. Drama major, bitch," Emmett crows. He bows his head.

"Nice improv, Em," Jasper says appreciatively.

"I can't believe I'm thinking that I'd rather be talking about my car fucking."

Emmett mutters, "Waxing dat trunk."

I give him a killer look. "Anyways, back to me. I just want to focus on school right now. My last semester is killer and then I have to take the bar."

"But you're like a genius or whatever. The bar is going to be a joke for you," says Emmett.

"Hopefully. And I guess a woman in my life just isn't a priority right now. I can find my own woman, but I haven't met anyone special enough."

"Maybe you need some foreign action. What about a Mercedes," Emmett chokes out. "I hear German cars put out."

"Fuck you both," I say over their fits of laughter as they wheeze out some more shit about how putting a bikini on my Volvo was the only way I could get Swedish pussy.

"Seriously though, let one of us text you like we offered," says Jasper. "We are professional boyfriends now. Which reminds me, I need to text a few clients." He proceeds to pull out two phones from his pockets.

"Oh, me too. But Rose first. That woman is going to kill me. In the best way. You should see how bendy she is..."

"I love the way Alice screams when I-"

"I don't want to hear it," I interrupt.

"You need to get laid, Ed. Remember how testy I was when I had that long dry spell?"

"Heh. Testy. You were a total dick. And it was only like two weeks. That's not a dry spell."

"Two weeks was like the Sahara. Longest time with no pussy since tenth grade. Of course I've given up the strange putang since I met my woman," Emmett boasts.

"Me too. Alice is the one. I'm going to be her baby daddy some day. Maybe even get a dog or an apartment or some shit like that."

"Charming. You two really have a way with words. I can see why you've gone from out of work actors to professional texters."

"Dude, this is the best job. We're getting paid to write total bullshit to girls," says Emmett as he sends off several messages.

"Refreshing after doing that for free all these years. So it's not weird that you don't know those people?" I ask. I still don't get what their job is. I think it's ridiculous and I've told them several times.

"No. It's great. Like a bunch of acting jobs all at once," replies Jasper. "And I make enough money for beer and to take Alice out for those coffee drinks she likes."

"So which one of us is going to do you, Ed?" asks Emmett. "I'll even sext you."

"There's no fucking way either of you would be my fake girlfriend. The emotional scarring would be pervasive."

"Geez. That was harsh," replies Emmett. His pout is really unattractive.

"If you don't want to date either of us, then sign up for the service," Jasper says.

"So you're saying that if I don't want to have a fake relationship with you, then I should have a fake relationship with one of your girlfriends."

"Err, yeah?"

"The whole thing is disturbing. I don't get how you all can pretend to be in a relationship with multiple people. It's like a real life version of The Bachelor but without all the crying."

"The Bachelor rules hard, man. I only wish they would take me," Jasper says.

"You have too much self-esteem and close to an actual job."

"It's a real job, Ed. We'd do you right," Emmett says.

"I'm not interested in either of you doing me."

"You'd be surprised how easy it is. Give it a chance," says Jasper.

"I'm barely holding on

to the little respect I have for you two as it is, so I'd rather date one of mom's weird set-ups.""Yeah. I hear your neighbor Bree started taking weekly showers," mutters Emmett. "Maybe you can get into her tailpipe."

.

.

.

.

Love to Cosmogirl for the critical eye. I know you're all reading Scorched. Read it again.

MariahajilE pre-read and said "Meh." Just kidding, Iris.


	3. Chapter 3

I accidentally uploaded the wrong chapter. So I added the missing chapter to the beginning of this one. So sorry for the confusion. Thanks to the reviewer who noticed something was missing.

.

.

.

.

"Hey Ed, you dropped your keys...catch!" Emmett shouts as I walk down the steps of the campus fitness center. I turn around to grab the tossed object, but Emmett's aim is slightly off so I have to reach back to get them. As I'm reaching, I feel my elbow hit something soft.

"Oof" is all I hear as I swear, "Oh shit."

I turn around and I see the most gorgeous brunette scowling at me. Rubbing her chest.

"Dude. You whacked me in the boob," she says.

I blink as I stare longingly at said boob being caressed by her slender, pale fingers. I'm speechless, which doesn't happen to me often. I also may be sporting a semi. Which may be slightly inappropriate considering the circumstances, but it's been a long time and she's really hot.

"This is what I get for actually attempting to work out. I'm going to kill Alice. I should've stayed home and worked on my new app. Imagine being sore before I even get on a machine," she mutters, walking away. It gives me a great view of her ass which is equally spectacular. Thank you, spandex shorts. "Thanks a lot," she adds, making me snap out of my hot girl haze.

"Fuck...I'm so sorry! I hope your boob-er, breast is okay," I call out after her. She turns around to glance at me. She snorts and shakes her head.

"Can I pay for your doctor bill?" I say, hopefully. "Nothing's damaged, right?"

"Oh my god, my implant ruptured!" she cries out, holding her chest.

"What...no...I'll call 911...fuck...should I apply pressure?" I reach out for her chest, and she grabs ahold of my hands.

She starts laughing. "I'm messing with you. Geez. Like these are implants." She gestures to her chest.

"But they're really perfect," I mumble. "You're perfect."

She blushes. She looks even better with pink cheeks.

"I'm really sorry I hit you and then stood there like an idiot."

"No harm done. They'll be lopsided forever, but they weren't seeing much action anyway."

Again I gape at her chest. She laughs and walks off. "Still messing with you."

I'm standing there watching her walk into the fitness center when my two friends join me.

"Pleases mess with me again," I call out, weakly. What the fuck just happened?

"Nice pull, Ed," Emmett says.

"There was no pull...I mean not that kind. I just hit her."

"What the hell?" exclaims Jasper.

"I didn't mean it that way. I accidentally elbowed her in the chest - when this idiot chucked my keys. And then I just stood there because she was so...well, you could see her. And she was funny and smart too. Fuck."

"Dude I'm sure you'll get another chance to talk to her, I mean she's our-" Jasper says before being interrupted by Emmett.

"She's a student here, so I bet we'll see her again," he says, nudging Jasper. "Right?"

"Yeah," Jasper says. "Maybe sooner than you think."

.

"This one is for you, Bella. His profile request fits you exactly," Alice tells me as I walk into my kitchen. She waves a sheet of paper in front of my face, which I snatch. "Plus, he sounds super hot."

I don't normally do the interactive part of my service, but I decided to do some hands-on research in order to improve our offerings. We are doing very well, thanks to my partners and employees, but there's always room to grow.

"He's perfect for your first time."

"I'm sure he'll be gentle with me." I pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down with his information sheet.

"Yes. I bet he'd be a caring lover."

I almost snort my coffee out of my nose.

"You gathered that from his answers on the questionnaire?" I scoff.

"It's a feeling I get in my bones."

"Great. You and my great aunt Sue have something in common. Her bones hurt when it's going to rain. Do you have the gout too?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella. So young and cynical. If you absolutely refuse to date anyone right now, you need to work out or something. Too much tension."

"I actually went to the fitness center yesterday, thank you. And I told you that I'm too busy growing this business and trying to graduate to date right now. Besides, you know what losers I attract. I don't have time to find one of the few decent guys out there." My mind flashes back to the hot, awkward man I saw yesterday and I sigh. I should have done something other than make glib remarks. Oh well. At least I have my career going for me.

Alice shakes her head sadly. She and Rose have been after me to try dating again, probably since they're both so happy. They've suggested a triple date with Emmett and Jasper's friend, but I've refused several times.

"I really wish you'd reconsider getting set up with E-"

"Negatory. You're forgetting that I know Emmett and Jasper too well, so their friend would not be for me. No offense."

"I still think you'd be great together."

"I'll just stick to a fauxmance, thank you. This won't leave me with the dinner bill and a strange sore like after the last time you set me up."

"That was three years ago, and the doctor concluded it wasn't herpes, Bella."

"Yeah. I love your 'glass full' spin on 'not herpes.' You're super lucky it was only on my upper lip and not-"

She interrupts, "And not on your lower lips." She sighs. "Will you please let that die?"

"You'll be reminded of that for the rest of my life, because that's how long I would've had the herpes!"

"Geez. You'd think a friend would want to get set up on a hot date with a very eligible man."

"No. I'm tempted to start using my own service so you two will leave me alone. Now let me get back to this client."

She huffs and then curtseys to me. "Yes, Boss. As your humble servant, I'm so glad I picked out this client especially for you. You're perfect for each other."

I roll my eyes and then look over the preferences of my new client: brunette, petite, intelligent, self-motivated. He's tall, athletic, green eyes, and likes the same things I do. Alice was right, he is perfect. He's a law student looking for a cover for an over-bearing mother. His ideal date...ooh that sounds good. And the backstory he wants is so cute. He literally bumped into her - me, I guess - and wanted to know more about her, I mean me. Whatever. He gets her number from some friends and they start a texting relationship to see if they're compatible.

The scenario makes me think of what I should have done yesterday with boob whack guy. If I had the guts, I would have done lots of things with boob whack guy. Dirty, filthy, things that would have made him even sweatier.

"Are you going to do Ed, er, that guy?" Rosalie asks, reading over my shoulder. I didn't even hear her come in. She's stealthy like that. And eerily close to the truth. "That's a really good backstory I wrote. Starting out as a new couple just getting to know each other. You're new and inexperienced; he's perfect to break you in slowly."

"What's with the virgin innuendo? That ship sailed a few years ago," I say.

"Bella's like a virgin...texting for the very first time...with her iPhone next to mine," Alice sings.

"But your ship's been in dry dock since," Rosalie replies. "Like really dry."

"Thanks for that. But it doesn't really matter, does it? This guy isn't going to actually moisten my dock-"

"Eww. That was gross," Rosalie says. "No wonder your 'ship' is abandoned and dried up."

"Okay. We have business to discuss. Enough with the 'Bella needs to get a sailor to board her ship' talk."

"On the good ship...Cherry Pop..." Alice belts out.

"Shirley Temple. Timely," I remark.

"Vintage," Rosalie says.

"It's a sweet trip to the condom shop..." Alice continues. Because who's going to stop her? "Where Boss Bella plaaays, on her iPhone, while we try to get her la-aaaid…"

I used to think the singing was cute. Like a long time ago.

.

.

.

The next day I'm going over sales figures when I get a text.

 _Hi. My friends gave me your number. I bumped into you by the gym. Still sorry about that, BTW._

.

.

.

.

.

 **Thank you, everyone for all the comments. I appreciate everyone who takes their time to review, follow, and favorite.**

 **Cosmogirl7481 is the bestest. Go read Scorched and leave her some nice words.**

 **MariahajilE is a sweetheart with pretty hair.**

 **I constantly rewrite, so all mistakes are mine.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Please go back and reread chapter 3 if you haven't already done so. I accidentally posted the wrong chapter, so I added the missing one to the beginning of chapter 3.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 _My friends gave me your number. I bumped into you by the gym. Still sorry about that, BTW._

Wait. how did he get my number? I didn't give it to him even though I would have, if he asked. I thought maybe there was something there…He must have liked me!

 _They said it would be ok to text you. This is Bella, right?_

Yesss!

Noooo.

The text is on your business phone, dummy. You don't have hot guys texting you out of the blue. I choke down the disappointment that's burning in my gut. The very unexpected disappointment I'm surprised to feel. Well, it shouldn't be that unexpected considering the crazy sex dream I had last night about boob guy. It was the hottest sex I've never had.

So back to reality, Bella. You know, your job.

 _Hi Edward. It's Bella. I'm glad to hear from you._

 _Hi. I'm so glad you're responding. I wish I would've spoken up yesterday and asked for your number myself._

Wow. He's really into this whole scenario. But I guess that's the point of this entire business. People are willing to pretend anything to get what they want. I guess it's showtime. Alice and Rosalie said it was really easy to get into it. I text him back.

 _Yeah. You really know how to knock a girl off her feet. Literally._

 _My mom says a 'meet cute' is important. Fuck. I can't believe I mentioned my mother. Please delete that last text and pretend it didn't happen. You're just so beautiful that I get tongue-tied. Like I did yesterday._

 _But we're texting. No tongue. Just fingers_.

There's a lag and then he responds. _Sorry. I dropped the phone when you texted about your tongue._

I laugh. This could be fun. No wonder my employees like their job.

.

.

.

"The first time you texted, you mentioned your mother? Dude," Emmett says.

"Right?" Jasper chimes in. "Way to kill the mood." He's doing sit-ups while Emmett is doing one-armed push-ups in our living room. I'm almost envious of their dedication.

"Damn, my lats are totally shredded," Emmett adds, looking at himself in the mirrors that he and Jasper have set up all over our apartment. "You ready for the yoga, Jazz?"

Yeah, not that envious. They get fucking bendy. Jasper's chin almost touched his own dick. That's a no-go.

"Yeah. Can you stretch me first? I've got a cramp."

Emmett moves over and starts pressing Jasper's leg back behind his head.

I start talking to cover up Jasper's moaning. "I recovered quickly and texted something clever back."

"Dick pic?" Emmett asks. "I hope you didn't get any of your gut in the shot. You have to lift that shit up so you can see it clearly."

"Fuck you. I don't have a gut. I look good."

I lift up my shirt and thump on my abs that are nearly a six pack. I mean, maybe a few cans short, but still fucking workable.

"Okay, okay. Don't get all pissy. Tell us about your girl."

"She's really great," I say. "I really like her. There's only one problem."

"Your lack of fitness?" Emmett asks. "Your ass is getting fat. Do some squats."

This is what I get living with two gym rat actors.

"I'm touched by your concern, yet more concerned that you're checking out my ass."

"That's what a real friend does. Do you want Bella to think you're a lard-ass when you finally fuck? I wrote you up another workout plan. It's on the fridge. You're welcome."

I sigh. "Whatever." I'm soon to be a lawyer, and I still don't want to argue with this fool because I can't win.

"Seriously. She hasn't seen your body yet. Maybe you can still get yoked."

"Leave him alone, Em. He likes to look...like that. And can you spread me wider?"

"Gee, thanks. The love in this room is really touching." Like their balls are right now.

"If you want touching, you better mix in a protein shake to your daily routine or Bella won't want to get near those love handles."

"Dude. Harsh. So what's wrong?" Jasper asks, with Emmett between his legs and...yeah, I don't know what the fuck they're doing. Something about a dog. I don't ask.

"It's been a few weeks and we're just texting. No meeting. I don't really understand why, but I don't want to blow it."

"You're not."

"Also, it seems like she doesn't text me as much as I text her. Maybe she's not into me like I am into her."

"She's just trying to keep to the limit set by-"

Emmett interrupts Jasper, "Maybe she doesn't have unlimited text messages, Ed."

"Oh...I never thought of that. But who doesn't have unlimited?"

"Maybe she's Amish?" Jasper adds.

I snort. "Don't your girlfriends know her?"

"Uh, we don't talk about that stuff."

"They might notice her horse and buggy."

"I'll ask."

I choke out a laugh.

"Just keep up the conversations. I know she's going to give in, er, fall for you if she hasn't already," says Emmett. He switches from stretching Jasper to pelvic thrusts and Jasper does too. It's even more uncomfortable now with all the wang reaching for the ceiling.

"So...sexting much?" asks Jasper.

"Dude," I reply. "It's not there, yet. And please don't mention sexting when your dick is flopping around. I told you to wear briefs under your workout shorts. No one needs to see that."

"Three weeks, man. Are you at least jerking it when you text her? How can you hold out that long?" Emmett adds.

"It's not that long."

"That's what she said," they both say, laughing.

I extend my middle finger.

"Seriously, though, it's not like that. I like her, so I can wait. But I really need to be with her in person. I can't wait for that much longer. She just keeps putting me off. Sometimes I feel like she's just not that into me, then other times I think she really wants me. It's very confusing how this all works."

"See, Edward, when a man loves a woman," Emmett croons, "he can't sext anybody else..."

"Dick," says Jasper. "That's not how it goes. At least make up funny lyrics like Alice does."

"I thought that was funny," Emmett pouts.

"And that is why your stand-up career is fail."

"You're fail," Emmett retorts.

"No, you are," Jasper wittily returns.

"You are."

Here we go. I groan.

"Can both of you Pee Wee rejects shut the fuck up?"

"Hey...I'm extra large," whines Emmett.

.

.

.

.

.

 **I appreciate all the reviews. Thanks to Cosmogirl who read this while waiting in line. All mistakes are mine.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

.

.

.

"So I saw the latest figures. We seem to be doing well," Rosalie says over coffee at my kitchen-slash-conference table. The three of us are having our morning meeting. Well, I'm doing business stuff. I think Alice was taking pictures of her boobs for Jasper. At least I hope it's Jasper and not a client.

I'm still too cheap to spring for office space. Besides, these two have been hanging out at my house for several years. At least they're earning me money now.

"Yes. I hired five new people, and I'm looking for more."

"Oh, so are you going to give up your client to one of the new people?" Alice asks.

"No!" I blurt out. "I mean, it wouldn't be right to switch. You know, quality control and all that."

They both share a look. I know they know that I'm way too into Edward. In the last month I've done too much texting that isn't professional and would have gotten any of my employees fired. But I'm the boss, so I'm going to do what I want.

And I want to do Edward. I mean service him. Er, provide him our service.

"Can you keep up with it? You're giving him the deluxe package with the most text messages," asks Rosalie. "You always say how busy you are."

"Of course. Edward's so great it's like I'm not even doing a job. He's so funny and sweet. I can't even understand why he wouldn't have a real girlfriend."

"Edward, huh? Sounds like things are more than just a job," Rosalie says. "Why don't you see if it could be, Bella?"

"I couldn't." I want to, but I can't. But I really want to.

"But you totally could," Alice chimes in. She's not helping my resolve.

"It's totally unprofessional."

"Fuck professional. He's perfect for you. Don't think we haven't seen you smiling everytime he texts you, which is way more than a normal client," Rose says. "People meet at work all the time. It's okay to like him, Bella."

"Why do you think we set this whole thing up?" Alice says, exasperated. Rosalie elbows her.

"What do you mean?"

"Er, I mean I picked Edward especially for you because I knew you'd do such a great job with him."

"And I wrote the backstory so it would be like the guy you met at the gym. So you could break out of your shell," adds Rosalie.

"Don't stop to askkkk...you're gonna find a way to make it last...you've got to find a way... to meet that guy today...Edwaaaarrddd...breakouuuuut..."

"I think you're both hiding something, and Alice is listening to too much eighties' sattelite radio."

"Please believe we did all this for you. Because we love you," says Rosalie.

I stop Alice right when she starts to sing Celine Dion. Because it's enough already. And all Celine's songs make me think of _Titanic_ and I get feelings about Jack not getting on that piece of wood. He would have made it, damn it.

"We do love you, Bella. You'll see. Everything will work out," Alice says.

My phone chimes, alerting me of a new message. I get up and start moving towards my room. "Er, I need to take care of this."

"Right. Like we don't know who that is. You don't have to hide. We want you to hook up with Edward. We've been busting our ass to make-" Rosalie says, before Alice throws a muffin at her head.

Alice adds, "We have all been busting our asses working, and you deserve someone to love like we have. It makes everything better. Right, Rose?"

"Yeah. Cock on the regular makes everything awesome," says Rosalie.

"I meant love, Rose," Alice says.

"I do love cock," she says, wistfully. "Especially Emmett's."

"Please, I can't take it anymore," I say.

"Oh, that's what Rose was yelling last night," Alice says, laughing.

"Liar. I can take all of it - if Emmett gets me really worked up. If not, I get like three-fourths-"

"She coulda had it alll-aaallll...Rosie's taking it deeee-eeeep..."

"Oh my god," I say, rubbing my temples.

"That's a good one, Alice. You should be on 'The Voice,' " Rosalie says.

"Yes. I hear they're going to start a new, shitty version where they only sing bad parody songs. Weird Al will be the new Adam."

"So grouchy. You really need to get laid," Alice says. "Seriously, Bella. Go out with the guy for reals. You know this isn't just a client thing anymore. It's not fair to you or him."

"Geez. I think I need a fake boyfriend so you two will get off my back. Now I know why we're making so much money for our service!"

With that thought, I leave the room. I don't want to talk about this anymore, especially after the lecture they just gave me. And I really don't want to hear anymore songs or about Emmett's cock. I've heard so much about it, I think I could identify it in a police line-up. Some of the stuff Rosalie is doing with it is probably a crime somewhere.

My phone buzzes again. I know it's Edward, and I'm way too excited to read what he's written. I look forward to his every message like a fan girl.

Is it really wrong that I have a tiny crush on him? It's super tiny - like I just think about him all the time and know he's amazing, and I don't even care that I don't know what he looks like.

Yes, he's still my client. The guy that paid for a fake girlfriend and thinks this is just a cover. The one that's unknowingly breaking me. One message at a time.

I really hate it when Alice is right. I do have to do something about this.

 _Hi, beautiful. I can't stop thinking about you. When can I see you?_

See? He texts stuff like that and it seems like we're in a real relationship for just long enough to hurt my heart. I need to end this now before someone gets hurt.

Namely me _._

 _You know we can't._

 _I don't get it. We've waited long enough. You know we're compatible. The stuff I want to do to you would be better in person. lol_

 _I can't._

 _Wait. RU Serious? Are you not into me?_

 _It's just better if we stop texting._

 _Bella?_

 _No. This can't happen._

 _Oh. Forgive me for having taken up so much of your time. Best wishes for your health and happiness._

 _._

.

.

.

.

 **AN: Thanks to TLS for the rec.**

 **Yes, I did quote that book at the end. My Edward would know it.**

 **Cosmogirl7481 preread this, but I changed a whole bunch. All mistakes are mine. Go read Scorched. It's super hot.**

 **Next chapter I will gender swap Bella and Edward to Billy Bob and Edna just for kicks.**


	6. Chapter 6

.

.

.

.

.

"She what?" Emmett shouts. Maybe he talks in a regular voice, but my hangover makes him sound like we're at a death metal concert. Not that I've attended death metal concerts because that would be like being stabbed in the ear. Which is probably a little bit better than how I'm feeling right now, sprawled out over my couch wearing yesterday's clothes.

I may have been drinking a bit since she dumped me yesterday. By text message. I think that was the worst part. I didn't even mean enough to her to warrant a face to face dumping. But then again we never even had a real date. Maybe I was just deluding myself the whole time.

Great. Now I'm delusional. Well, it runs in my family. I can no longer make fun of my great Uncle Caius who thinks he's invisible. Thanksgiving is awesome when he shows up naked.

"She fucking dropped my ass like a bad habit," I tell him. "It sucks."

I proceed to to tell him the whole affair. The whole embarrassing thing. To his credit, he doesn't laugh even though I'm really pathetic.

"Edward, what the fuck happened? One minute you were all whipped and the next you're lying in a pile of Cheeto bags and beer cans. Dude, that's fucking awful," he says, picking up shit and throwing it in a trash bag. I should be concerned that Emmett is appalled enough to start cleaning.

"I know. I feel like shit." I look like it too. I've barely slept, and I'm covered in orange dust. I probably reek of stale beer and desperation.

"The sodium in this is going to make you retain water like a bitch. You're going to totally derail all my teachings."

I laugh. It's harsh and hurts my head. "I don't need abs now, Emmett. The girl I wanted to feel them is probably laughing at me right now with her friends telling them what a tool I was. Come to think of it, she's probably laughing at me with your girlfriend and this traitor's chick," I say bitterly, pointing as Jasper walks in.

"Dude. Switching to gluten-free isn't being a traitor. It's a conscious choice to stop my stomach problems," Jasper says, flinging his bag on a chair.

"Like I give a fuck about your explosive diarrhea. I have real problems."

"What's more real than explosive diarrhea?" Jasper asks.

"I'm with Jasper. That shit's nasty," Emmett adds. "Literally."

"Good one," Jasper says, fist-bumping him.

"My improv coach says I'm really making strides."

"Yes. I really felt the impromptu nature of-"

"Oh my god," I whine. "Can you two be normal for a while and just wallow with me in my misery? We can return to your scene or monologue or whatever later."

"Sorry." Emmett looks chastised. It's probably genuine because he's not that good of an actor.

"You know acting can be really cathartic if you're having an issue-"

"Not now, Jasper. Bella dumped Edward. He's pretty fucked up over it. Though, he gets props for rocking a perfect line from P and P to respond to her."

Jasper gasps. I don't know if he's gasping about the dumping or the chick flick line I texted her.

"I couldn't help it. It popped into my head because I just watched it with...her." They better not call me a pussy for that shit.

"BBC version, or ninety-five? Though both have their fine points."

"The Keira Knightly one," I answer. I don't know why I do, but I assume Jasper will go on one of his rants if I don't. He cares about source material almost as much as his hair product. At least they didn't give me shit for quoting a movie line.

"Well, that's not as well-received as the others, but I applaud the choice. Classic break up scene."

I should have realized he'd be more interested in the scene I selected than my abject pain. "Jasper, I'm the one that just got dumped. In real life. Can you focus, here?"

"Right. That sucks. After all that fucking work we did to make you two happen."

"Jasper," Emmett mutters. He gives him a furtive look. Jasper's eyes widen.

"What the fuck do you mean?" I ask. I'm not that hungover that I don't notice something going on. These two are not subtle. It's probably all those years of emoting or whatever the fuck they do.

"Err, we-"

"Umm..."

"You two better come up with the truth right now or I'm going to shove your yoga mat up your ass to stop your diarrhea. Now, did you do something besides get me a phone number?"

"Define 'something.' "

"Define 'I'm going to shred every one of your precious Broadway playbills in your collection if you don't start explaining,' " I say. "Did you tell her something that would make her break up with me? Not that shit about the mechanophilia!" I shout.

"What? I don't even know what that is," replies Emmett.

"The car fucking thing."

"Oh. No. I thought we were joking about that. Did that really happen?"

"Fu-uck," I say with a sigh. "Did you two do anything that involves Bella and me getting together or anything to that effect?" I try to use my most patient tone that I reserve for small children and stupid people.

"Now look, Edward. Please realize that everything we did was for you," Jasper says. "Though it was really our women that came up with the idea."

"Go on." I take a deep breath so I don't lose my shit.

"Um...so Bella is our boss."

"Okay. I don't know why you didn't tell me that...but that's not a big deal."

"Well, you didn't seem to respect our jobs so we didn't think that knowing she was the brains behind our company would help."

"I get it. I was pretty negative about the idea."

"And you seemed really into her after you met at the gym, and we all thought you'd make a great couple."

"I'm not seeing the problem yet." I rub my temples, trying to calm myself.

Emmett chimes in, "Well, we told Rosalie and Alice to set you guys up, but Bella wasn't exactly looking to date anyone."

"So...?"

"So...theytoldherthatyouwereaclientthatsignedupforShipper," Jasper blurts out in one long stream.

"What?" I ask.

"He said that-"

"Shut up, Emmett. I understand what he said. I've listened to your stupid fucking vocal warm-ups enough to understand anything you two spew out. I was just in deep shock that my supposed, soon-to-be-girlfriend that cruelly dumped me wasn't even my girlfriend. She was just paid to pretend to like me. It was all fake."

That sounds even shittier said out loud than it did in my head.

"See? This is why we didn't tell you. We knew you'd get all weird about it," Jasper says.

I make a sound like a dying animal. I'm past losing my shit. My shit is somewhere with Jimmy Hoffa and the Ark of the Covenant. I close my eyes and rub my face.

"Dude. I think he's having a meltdown, " Emmett whispers. "If he starts sobbing and rocking gently, we need to call a professional. I can call my acting coach. She's talked me down several times. Remember when I got rejected for that antacid commercial?"

"Oh right. Hey, now I have some notes for you if you ever have to do a stomach pain scene again," Jasper adds. "But back to Edward's meltdown."

I sigh. "I'm not having a meltdown. I'm just taking a moment to get myself together. What was an extremely shitty dumping is now ten times worse. You all completely screwed me over. I thought we were friends, and you let your girlfriends make a fool of me. This is like a fucking cable reality show. You two drama whores should really love this." I stand and start walking away.

"It's not like that, Edward," Emmett says. He reaches for my arm, and I shrug him off. "We just wanted you two to start talking and eventually get together. We didn't know about her breaking up with you. That wasn't part of the plan."

"Somehow I'm not hurting any less."

"Let me call Alice and find out what's going on," Jasper says. "It might be a mistake."

"There was a mistake. But it wasn't that. It was me believing in this whole thing. I'm done."

.

.

.

.

.

AN: Ooh, two chapters in a row with the "angst." Cosmogirl is shocked. Hope you're all still hanging in for the ending.


	7. Chapter 7

My life sucks. This is what I've realized in the last twenty-four hours. I thought I was super smart and had my shit together, but no. Not really.

In between crying and googling "hairless cats," I've spilled to my dear friend Alice how I dumped Edward and was almost in love with him after many weeks of very unprofessional texting. She has said nothing and is now staring at me in shock. And lots of disgust.

"You what?" Alice finally asks. Well, it's more of a shriek if you want to get technical. I don't have the energy to, because now I'm basically a loner slash recluse slash future cat lady. I'd already have "Hobbes" and "Fitzwilliam" on my lap if I wasn't petrified of aggravating my allergies, and could bring myself to move from the couch. I wonder if Amazon delivers cats by drone yet?

"You heard me. I'm not sobbing that hard."

"I know. It was rhetorical. You are a total mess, but your enunciation is better than your face."

"Shuddap," I mumble.

"Well that was unclear, but I can get the gist from context and the rude gesture."

"I'm not in the mood for sarcasm. Or anything really. I quit everything."

"I get why you're upset. But what in the name of all that's holy made you break up with Edward? Especially when you just admitted you were practically in love with him. When we were pushing you to take your relationship to another level, we meant to like bone him or something good like that. "

"It wasn't a break up if he wasn't really my boyfriend. I told you that I thought we were more, but he was paying for a service. It was wrong of me to want him."

"Oh my god, Bella. This is so not a problem. No one cares that you met through work. Seriously everyone meets through work."

"Who meets through work?" Rosalie asks, walking in. "My mom met her new boy toy at work." I watch her surveying the scene - I'm in yesterday's clothes surrounded by empty ice cream tubs and a wine box. In contrast, she's fully made up and most likely clean."What the frack happened here? Did the Internet break?"

"Nope. Just my cold, dead, heart."

"Bella dumped Edward. That's why she looks homeless and never came out of her room last night," Alice says, then breaks into song. "Laaaast night...Bella said she feels so down...she broke it off...and she just won't wash...See Edward just don't understaaaand..."

I throw the first thing within my grasp (a partially eaten burrito) at her head to stop butchering that song. I might have to toss out my Strokes tee like I had to stop listening to Adele after a heinous version of _Hello_ which she turned into a song about her particularly stinky poo. _Yes, Alice, I will stay outside...because it smells like something died._

Yeah. That happened.

"Are you serious? I thought they were phone sexing and she got worn out from all the...you know...hand action."

"Nope. She's convinced that their relationship was fake and she was saving herself from heartbreak." Alice moves to the other couch, seemingly to get away from my throwing range. I am fairly unathletic, so she's safe.

"Yeah. I can see that was a great idea. For a genius, she's pretty dumb." Rose tosses her backpack on the floor and joins us.

"Right? Too bad love isn't some code thingy she can program."

"I love how my best friends are supporting me in my hour of need. Way to pump up my confidence. It doesn't matter anyway. I'll never love again. And don't you dare sing another song," I say when she looks like she's about how to break into another Alice jam.

"I had a really good one, too. Anyways, that was almost as dramatic as Jasper and Emmett at an audition. By the way, did I tell you that Jasper got a call back for that constipation commercial?"

"Oh my god, really?" Rose gushes. "What a great opportunity. Emmett was so bummed about losing that penile enlargement spot. I told him he should be grateful that the director didn't believe he had the range to play a small-dicked guy."

I groan. While I'm glad they're off of my nonexistent love life, I really don't want to hear about how effectively Jasper can act like he's literally full of crap or about Emmett's giant wang.

They both look over at me, seemingly annoyed that I've interrupted their conversation with my misery.

"Okay, Miss Love'em and Leave 'em. I can see you and smell you over there - honestly you need a shower - growing more emo by the second. Let's just get this out of the way right now. Text him right now and tell him you fucked up."

"Yes. Right now. Better yet, call him and express your undying love," Alice adds.

"Are you two not getting it? This whole thing was one-sided. You know what our job is. Do you two fall in love with all your clients? I was just an idiot who got caught up in the whole thing. From now on I'm going to stick to the tech side of things. I'll have plenty of time since I'm never going to have a boyfriend."

I wonder if Amazon can add on a vibrator to my cat order?

My two friends exchange worried glances. They seem to be trying to communicate something to each other. Or maybe they're also going to audition for Jasper's crap commercial.

"Umm, Bella? We have something to tell you," Rose says quietly.

"I don't really want to hear anything about how someday I'll find the right person. I'm obviously delusional and seeing fake relationships and turning them real. Maybe I can audition for the Bachelor. I'd fit right in."

"It's not that," Alice adds, looking at her phone and then standing up. She looks over at Rose. "Jasper texted me nine-one-one. I need to call him. It might be about this."

"How the hell would your boyfriend know about this?" I ask. They exchange looks again. "What the actual fuck is happening that I don't know about?"

I can tell something isn't right here. These two are entirely too serious. Normally they'd have joined me with some wine and pulled up a break-up quiz from Buzzfeed on their phone for me to do. Alice is sort of rocking back and forth like she's deciding something...or needs to pee.

"Don't you dare walk out of here to call your boyfriend, Alice. You are both going to spill it right now."

"Bella, we love you," Rose starts. "And we knew you were lonely."

"And we found someone who was perfect for you and wanted to date you...but you didn't want to date them."

"Every time you start a sentence with 'Bella we love you,' I know I'm screwed."

"We do love you. But you'll see we really had a perfect man for you that already liked you, by the way, and you refused him."

"That doesn't make sense. You never introduced me to anyone. You just kept trying to make me go out with Emmett and Jasper's friend-" Here I stop and pieces start clicking into place. "Edward is their friend," I gasp. "But how...Did you get him to sign up just to mess with me? Oh my god...I feel sick."

"No! No...it wasn't a joke. It was all real," protests Alice. She tries to grab my hand that's flailing around. "I swear it was real. We wanted to get you guys together."

"Great fucking job." I'm starting to hyperventilate. I can feel the wine...and probably the burrito I ate at two am, coming up.

"Listen, Edward never thought that he was signed up for the app. He thought we were setting you two up to get to know each other. We made up a scenario that would explain why he was only texting you. We told you he was a client because you refused to meet him, and we knew he was perfect for you," Rose says, her voice pleading.

"I feel sick."

"You don't look great," offers Alice. I glare at her. "Sorry. Too soon." She waves her hand in apology.

"Yeah. Insulting my appearance is what you should apologize for right now." I try not to barf everywhere. I feel retched from this whole conversation. And probably from the crap I ate last night. Let's be real.

"We're really sorry things turned out this way," Alice says. "We meant well."

"Sure. I can see how giving a guy my number and telling me that he was only interested in a made up girlfriend would be a great love connection scenario. Did you get the idea from one of those Hallmark movies?"

"No...but did you see the one-"

I stare at her with my mouth agape. "You are shitting me now with this? Wait, did you also want to tell me how Jasper has an audition to be generic love interest number two in their Valentine's rom com?"

"It's the brother in 'Countdown to Love 2: The Wedding,' " she whispers.

"Aaahhh!" I scream in frustration. "That's it. Both of you cunts out of my house. I'd fire both of you for fraud if I could."

"Wait...Bella, we're sorry. We promise to fix this. We're going to talk to the guys and come up with a plan-"

I interrupt Alice before she can piss me off anymore. "You and Rosalie are done planning, unless it is for new jobs and a new best friend. Everything is done and it's over."

"But, Bella. Really there's a simple solution," Rosalie chimes in.

"I've already said the c-word and eaten enough dairy to give me the runs until Easter. I can't take anymore of your help. I don't want to hear it."

I know these two will probably do something stupid to try to make it up to me, but I just can't with this right now.

It hurts.

And I don't mean just the lactose problems.

.

.

.

.

.

AN: Sorry this took so long. In the interest of getting this to you as soon as I finished it, it is unbetaed. All mistakes and poor choices are mine.


	8. Chapter 8

"Edward?" I hear my mom ask through the speaker of my phone. I mentally sigh because if she heard me making irritated noises at her I'd be in big trouble. I've barely recovered from the last guilt trip. Last lunch I had over there she wore a t-shirt with my baby picture on it with the words "twenty hours of labor and he's the one groaning." My dad is no help. He surely doesn't want her showing up at the hospital with a t-shirt with his face on it.

"Of course, Mother. No one is allowed to answer my phone. Not that I have anyone I care about to answer it. Or whatever."

I hear her sigh. Like she cares if I hear her. "As much as I love being the only lady in your life, you really need a lady friend, Edward. You're grouchier than ever. I'm worried about you."

"I don't need any ladies, Mom. I've sworn off women."

"Ugh. Please don't tell me you're going to be like your cousin Aro. He's a mess."

"He's a priest, Mom."

"Like I said."

I roll my eyes because she can't see them. "What's happening over there?" I ask, trying to get off the subject. I don't want to talk about what happened last week anymore. I love my mom, but I really don't want to rehash my recent breakup, or mind fuck, as I'm prone to calling it. I just started showering without being thrown into the bathroom by Emmett. He was sick of my funk in more ways than one.

"Nothing is going on here. I'm just planning a little lunch for you. You know, to get you out of your depression. Your father wants to put you on meds, but I know what's best for my beautiful boy."

"I know your idea of 'a little lunch.' I said no more introductions, Ma. I'm...getting over my last...er, girlfriend. I don't want anyone else. I mean, to meet anyone new."

"Oh, Edward. Of course I'm not going to introduce you to anyone new. This is just to make you feel better, so I can feel better."

"Right. That's what you said last time, then you brought out a folder of eight-by-tens of all your friends' daughters that were under thirty."

"You scoff now, mister. But I know what my sweet baby boy likes."

Jesus. She needs to get a life. Or some more kids. I keep telling her to adopt Emmett and Jasper because they need guidance. And I need a fucking break from her smothering.

"Your sweet twenty-four year old baby needs to go now. I have class."

"Lunch. Friday. I'll have your favorite there," she sings. "You can bring those two boys with you. They probably need food."

"I'm pretty busy, Ma."

"You know, did I tell you about the new neighbor's daughter? Her mom said she was taking her to get her face waxed tomorrow. Since you're too busy to visit, maybe I can take her over to your house. Or maybe to your afternoon class on Thursday."

"Geez. Okay. I'll be there Friday. Just no introductions. I can't take anymore." Her blackmail is so subtle, she doesn't even need to say the words.

"You'll thank me later. With beautiful grandchildren. Love you, Snuggle Monster."

Dear lord. I'm so lucky I don't have a mental complex or live in their basement with a blow-up doll. "Bye, Smother."

I hear her giggle. She loves that she has a "special name."

She wouldn't be so thrilled with some of the other thoughts I've had about her meddling.

I know my dad is thrilled she's all up in my shit and gives him space. It's how they've stayed together all these years. That, and my mom still looks like she's thirty and can cook like a chef. I really don't want to think about the other ways she makes him happy because that might send me over the edge. I've learned to block out the noises I've heard from their room all these years.

Because of her good looks, everyone thinks that my dad does work on her, but she's just blessed. Our genes are just good I guess. It works for my dad, because either people think he's that great of a cosmetic surgeon because she looks so young and natural, or he's just got a hot trophy wife.

One time while we were at lunch, a waiter thought she was my girlfriend. My mom thought that was the best thing ever. The nightmare still haunts me and almost put me into full therapy. The sad thing is that she's now the closest thing I have to a woman in my life.

"That's fucking depressing," I say out loud to no one. That's also fucking depressing that I'm usually alone.

"Your abs are depressing. But don't be so hard on yourself. You had a minor setback, now it's time to get back to work," Emmett says. I guess he walked in when I was talking to my mom. "Your potbelly will lessen in time. The muffin top might be harder."

"Fuck off. I don't have either. Just because I don't want to be shirtless on a bad romance novel cover doesn't mean I'm a fat-ass."

"Those covers pay bank, dude. Don't knock it."

"Whatever, Fabio. Anyway, my mom invited you and Jasper to lunch Friday. I guess she wants to cheer me up. Though if she really wanted me happy, you two wouldn't be there."

"Ouch. And Fabio had a fucking decent career, so don't talk shit. You're just getting bitter because you're not exercising. You need the endorphins because you sure as shit aren't getting any sexercise." He then proceeds to simulate what I presume are his sex moves. Poor Rosalie.

"Who's not exercising or getting sex? Edward?" Jasper asks as he walks in. "I noticed his ass is getting droopy and he's fucking grouchy."

I groan. My friends are really too in tune to my body. "Great. I have a beer belly and a shitty attitude. Lucky for me I'm going to be celebate."

"Will you please let us fix whatever happened with Bella? She's really a great person and she'd be perfect for you. We know we all fucked up," Jasper says.

"I'm not really angry at any of you anymore. I'm...over it."

"But you're not over her."

"There is no 'her.' That was all fake. It was a job to her, and not to me. Whatever. Let's move on."

They both share a look that makes me feel even more pathetic.

"Edward."

"Fuck and no. End of story. Your days of meddling are over."

"All right. No more getting involved. Let's do some cardio, Jasper. If we're going to eat at Mrs. Cullen's, we need to burn some calories. I'm still paying for that lasagne I ate last time. My best jeans are feeling a bit snug."

"I know! I get so bloated. I think it's all the cheese."

Never mind about my mom being the only lady in my life. Apparently my two best friends are women.

.

.

.

.

.

Friday rolls around too quickly. I'm swamped with work now that the semester is ending. Finals are just around the corner. I know I'm acing all my classes, but I really want to be top of my class so I over-prepare for everything.

I guess there is a small benefit of not having anyone to take up my time. I can obsess about my grades without worrying about ignoring my girlfriend.

Although, Jasper and Emmett seem to be handling their jobs and girlfriends quite well with their school schedule. They're supposed to graduate with honors, too. Though I don't think A's in "advanced facial expressions" should count the same as advanced tax law.

Truth is, they have a much more well-rounded life than I do. They have friends, go out and meet people, and successful careers ahead. And they get laid regularly.

Me, not so much. I have a "smother" and a shit ton of law books. I don't even "bang my gavel" anymore. Maybe I should meet my mom's neighbor.

I shudder. I might be at rock bottom, but I can't go there.

I sigh as I pull into my parents' driveway. Jasper and Emmett aren't here, but there is a strange car in the driveway which makes me panic. That lady promised me she wouldn't introduce me to any more women.

This is going to suck. I bet it's hairy-faced neighbor girl. I think about turning around and going home, but I sack up and just walk in the house. It's better to get it over with and leave as soon as possible.

"Okay, Mom," I mutter as I walk into the living room. "Who did you want to introduce me to?"

My mother, who was speaking to a woman on the couch when I entered, looks at me with annoyance then her expression changes to a smirk as she glances at the woman. The woman gasps and stands. Geez, I wonder what crazy stories momma bear has already filled her head with before I even got here? It's actually too bad that my mom's guest must have a laundry list of issues, based upon the fact that my mother selected her, because from behind she looks super hot.

"Oh my schmoopie, I promised no introductions, and your mommy doesn't lie. I believe you already know my guest...Isabella Swan?"

Fuck me sideways. She's here.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N: Sorry. it's been a while. But we're almost done here. Based upon my writing speed, I'm predicting a complete story by the time the next Star Wars movie comes out.

This story is unbeta'd, so be kind. This is what happens when you type up stuff on your phone in the parking lot.


	9. Chapter 9

.

.

.

.

.

I arrive a few minutes early to my appointment with Esme Platt. She had called me earlier in the week to set up a lunch meeting to discuss investing in my company. I was very surprised, but she said that she heard wonderful things from a few of my employees. I'm betting that it was Emmett and Jasper. Those two like to talk. I hope she's not an ex-hook up of theirs, because that could be awkward. Like Alice and Rosalie flipping their shit awkward.

Hmm...that could serve those bitches right for messing with my love life. I sigh when I think about how great my business is going and and how shitty my love life is. It doesn't help that I know it's all my fault. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's easier to avoid and do nothing, but it sure hurts like hell.

I pull up to a security gate and give my name. The gate slides open, allowing me access to the driveway. I park in front of the huge house, taking a moment to gather my thoughts for the presentation.

I take a deep breath and ring the bell. The door is opened by an extremely beautiful woman who appears to be in her early thirties. Her eyes are bright green and she has immaculately styled, long, wavy bronze-colored hair.

"Ooh, Isabella. Aren't you gorgeous and just a perfect height!" she exclaims. "I'm Esme. Um, Platt."

We exchange greetings and she invites me in. I hear her mutter something about making beautiful babies as we walk into the living room.

"Pardon?" I ask.

"Have a seat, dear. So, Isabella. Tell me all about yourself and your family."

My family? I though I was here to talk about an investment, I think to myself as Ms. Platt serves me some coffee and pastries.

"Isabella?" she prompts, making me realize I haven't answered her.

"Um, Bella, please. I, er...I'm graduating very soon with my masters in computer science. I own and run my company, which you know as I understand you'd like to invest in it."

"Yes, yes. I know you're brilliant and gorgeous, which is an absolute bonus. But tell me about your family tree. Any major birth defects or history of disease?"

"What?" I choke on my latte, which is fabulous, by the way. Maybe Ms. Platt is a barista-slash-genetic scientist in her spare time. I cough a bit and take a bite of the scone, which is one the best things that's ever been in my mouth.

I moan, loudly, before I can stop myself. "Oh my god."

"I know dear. It's a talent of mine - cooking and taking care of my big man and my little man. Did you see my special boy's baby portrait? Isn't he delicious?" She points to the giant oil painting of an admittedly beautiful baby boy with bright green eyes and copper hair. It's prominently featured on the main wall of the living room, flanked by a series of black and white photos of the same boy.

"He's an adorable little boy. He looks a lot like you," I say politely. He really is one of those kids that could be in a commercial for one of those designer baby clothing lines. Judging from this place, he probably is.

"So your medical history? I bet it's squeaky clean. And your facial structure is superb. I'm not an expert like my husband, but I know these things."

Someone interrupts us as we're having this very strange conversation that's not at all about investing in my company. I wonder if it's her perfect son she keeps talking about. Maybe the nanny is bringing him home from his preschool.

The voice is smooth and sexy and definitely cannot be a little boy. The guy asks who his mom wants to introduce him to and I glance around looking for another person. But she's looking at me and his voice is very familiar. I jump up off the couch, gasping. Is that Edward? And could he possibly have called Ms. Platt "mom"?

Impossible. Did she have him when she was five years old?

I'm still facing her when she announces that I'm here and that we know each other. She has a smug grin on her face, and I don't know why. Everything about this is completely confusing.

Like when she calls Edward her schmoopie and refers to herself as mommy.

What the actual eff is happening? Oh my god. It's like I'm in the middle of a "Mommy porn" scene. I have to get out of here.

Or is Ms. Platt secretly taping this for a daytime talk show where she frequently blindsides her guests? Maybe my former boyfriend will show up next and toss a chair or something. It's scary that that is the preferable scenario.

"What is she doing here, mom? How do you even know her?"

"I'm thinking of investing in her company, cuddle muffin. What other motive would I have?"

I watch her move toward her son and out of my sight line. I'm frozen, trying to figure out what the hell is happening.

"Cut it out. I can tell you're lying. You're doing that blinking thing."

"Sugar face...I asked Isabella to come to lunch to discuss business."

Edward snorts very loudly. "Right. Did you hire her to break your heart, too?"

"Ms. Platt, maybe I should just go," I say, trying to interrupt an awkward moment. "Wait, what did you say, Edward? What do you mean I broke your heart?" I turn around and face him. I stifle a gasp. Damn, he's hot. Even when he's obviously annoyed and pulling on his hair which is longer than the first and only time I ever saw him.

"Just forget it. You already know what happened. I was into you, and you thought I was just a client. Stupid me."

"Babylove, you are definitely not stupid. You are the most brilliant son in the history of sons," Esme chimes in. "I'll cut anyone who says different."

"Sweet yeezus...Mom, or should I call you Ms. Platt? Will you please stop with the smother thing. It's bad enough you brought her here with that ridiculous pretense. I can't take any more rejection."

"That's not what happened. I...It was all a misunderstanding," I cry out before Esme replies to him. She smiles at me and gives me a thumbs up gesture.

Edward steps closer to me, his eyes flashing. "Oh really. How did I misunderstand when you texted me 'this can't happen'?" He stares at me intently, like he's trying to memorize every detail of my face.

"I...er...geez, your eyes are so green," I blurt out. He's breathing heavily. He must chew lots of mints because his breath is icy fresh when it fans over my face. I step even closer to him, my hand reaching out, wanting to touch him.

"That's supposed to make me forget how you destroyed me with one text message? Right. Like I'm supposed to take one look in your hazel brown eyes and just think about what you taste like instead of my misery?"

"Holy..." He's so close I could lick my lips and get a taste of him. Just a little nibble wouldn't be out of line...

"Oh! I need to get my phone to record this. I can make a video for my future grand babies. Don't move until I get back!" Edward's mom shouts as the doorbell rings. The lady is stealthy. I thought she had left. She's also probably a little nuts.

"What are you doing to me?" he asks in a whisper. He looks so devastated. "I was getting over this and now you're here to...what?" He steps back, his head hanging to his chest. His arms drop down in defeat.

"Oh my god, Edward. I'm so sorry." I grab his hand and hold it to my chest.

He pulls away. "Okay. You said you were sorry. Now you can go home with a clear conscience."

I shudder. Faced with his obvious pain, I feel worse than ever. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't know the situation until after...please believe that I didn't know."

His voice is defeated. Resigned. "I believe you. And I'll get over this...you. Don't feel sorry for me. Just go."

A sob bursts out of me at the thought of leaving and never seeing him again. Being here, seeing him, made everything real.

And so fucking painful. He looks up when he hears me cry. His eyes soften for bit, giving me hope. I reach for him again, and this time he doesn't pull away.

"Edward, please. I want-"

"Yo, Ed! We're here. Where's the food?" Emmett and Jasper burst into the room with Edward's mom right behind.

Edward swears loudly and runs his fingers through his glorious hair.

"Edward Anthony! That's no way to speak in front of ladies," Esme admonishes.

"Can you please just leave me alone for just five minutes! We were finally going to...oh fuck. Nevermind. We can figure this out later." He tries to pull his hand out of mine, but I grab both and hold them tightly, looking right into his eyes.

"No! I've messed everything up and didn't do anything to fix it. I have a second chance now, and I'm going to take it. Edward, everything we talked about was real on my side. Everything I feel, is real." I kiss his hands, hopeful that he'll understand.

"It's real for me, too," he says, quietly. "You don't even know how much."

I smile for the first time in weeks. "Can you give me another chance?" I whisper.

He smiles back. "On one condition. I'm going to need the deluxe Shipper package where the CEO personally delivers all communication by non-electronic means."

"I'm all for personally servicing you," I say in a whisper, "but it will have to be in a non-business capacity."

His answering grin in nearly blinding. He slides our joined hands down my sides and around my back. I reach around his neck, finally getting to touch that hair at the nape of his neck.

When he kisses me, he has to hold me upright, because I nearly swoon. There's this palpable heat and energy that radiates through his body. He claims me with every glide of his tongue. I press myself against him trying to get as close to him as I can with clothes on. Damn clothes. I reach into his shirt, trying to unbutton it with one hand.

"Damn. Mrs. C, I'm going to need a copy of this for research purposes. I have a love scene in the Lifetime movie I'm doing soon. I'm glad you're recording this," Jasper says.

"This is better drama than anything we've ever been a part of," adds Emmett.

We both break the kiss long enough to stare at our audience that we forgot about. Now there are six people watching our full make-out season. Alice and Rosalie are now here along with a very handsome blonde man who must be Edward's father.

"What did I tell you Carlisle?" Esme says in triumph, while recording everything on her phone. "She's the one. A mother knows these things."

"Esme planned through the ni-ight, Edward felt so alo-one, suffered through the break up, Bella carried the weight on her own, Esme had a vision of lo-ove and it was all that she meant it to be-" Alice belts out as Esme high fives her.

"I won't make any comments about your friends breaking into song as long as you won't make any about my mother doing...well, everything else she does," Edward says, kissing me again.

"Done."

.

.

.

.

.

AN: One more to go.

A few readers were annoyed by Esme, but i thinks she's awesome.


	10. Chapter 10

.

.

.

.

.

"I'd really appreciate another drink, Emmett," I say as I rub Bella's thigh. Her skin is so soft there. It feels great against my face. And I'd know because my face spends a lot of time in that area.

"Me too. I'll buy the next round. I can sure afford it," adds Bella, slurping the last bit from her glass. Shit, that was fast. Bella is a total lightweight, so she rarely drinks. Tonight, she's already had two. This should be interesting. Maybe spending the afternoon with my mother drove her to drink. I know I feel like that sometimes. Especially that one time my mom wanted my dad to share sex tips with me.

Yeah. No thanks. That almost put me off sex for a few hours, until Bella walked into my room in a towel.

"Dude, I just got out of that long ass line with the last round," Emmett whines. "Why can't we just wait for the waitress?" He looks toward Rosalie for support, I guess, but she just stares at him and shakes her head.

"You wanted to go, Emmett. She came and took our order while you were gone."

We're all sitting at our favorite pub having some drinks to celebrate my new job, apparently on hipster night because the place is packed with dudes rocking ironic t-shirts and beards with more product in them than my hair.

"You're going to make me pull out the 'tainted love agreement,' Em. I'm beginning to feel very sad that you almost lost me the love of my life."

I say the last part looking at said love, who is sitting very close to me and feeling really happy after a few drinks. She's grinning wildly at me.

"You are the sweetest boyfriend. You are a great catch and your hair is soft," she says, rubbing her breasts against my arm. Those are also very soft and feel great against my face. She reaches over and downs my drink. I raise an eyebrow at her because she's sort of rambling and drinking everything. She blows me a kiss.

"Fuck," Emmett grumbles. "I never should have agreed to these terms. I think he tricked us, Jasper. It's been almost six months since 'the incident that shall not be named.' "

"Only two more months to go of you two doing me favors." I chortle. "I think my car needs a wash, come to think of it."

"Ooh, car wash. Make them do it in speedos," Alice says.

"Et tu, Alice?" Jasper says.

"Just because you guys look hot doing manual labor while shirtless."

"Right?" adds Rosalie, high-fiving Alice.

"You and your precious car. I liked it better when you were a loner that had sexual feelings for it," says Emmett.

"We swore that subject was verboten," I say, tossing some peanut shells at him. "Don't make me write an addendum to our agreement."

"Watch it with the peanuts. I have allergies. My head will get fat," Emmett whines.

Bella and I snicker, but say nothing. It's too easy.

"At least we got him to reduce it from a year's worth of favors, Emmett. I think that was good negotiating," says Jasper. Alice rolls her eyes and laughs.

"Oh my god, you two fools," says Rosalie. "He's a lawyer and a genius like this one over here." She gestures to Bella. "You're lucky you're not his indentured servants. Seriously, I may have to start thinking about my life choices considering who I picked as my life mate."

I smirk at my girlfriend who is trying to covertly move my hand higher up her skirt. Alice raises an eyebrow at me. So, not so covert then.

"And don't even mention that you played a lawyer on television. You know that doesn't count," Rosalie adds.

Emmett makes a grumpy face. "I played a judge," he mumbles.

I stifle a laugh. "I might have to watch this winner of a movie where you're playing a judge. Are you supposed to be a child prodigy or just playing 'mature'?"

"I was on _Days of Our Lives_. I got a love scene, too. I banged the defense attorney who had amnesia."

I snort loudly. Bella leans in whispering, "I'd like to bang a certain attorney so hard he'd get amnesia."

I cough. "Fuck."

 _Later_ , mouths Bella. Jesus, how many shots has she had? She's never this...friendly in public. Or buzzed, for that matter.

"I think you have a real shot at a daytime Emmy nomination," adds Jasper. "You really made me feel the conflict about having to convict your twin sister of murdering your step-dad while he was possessed by a demon."

"Please tell me you have this episode recorded," I say, momentarily distracted from the small, insistent hand that keeps grazing my cock.

"Oh, I do. I have the DVD we submitted for nomination consideration. It has my best work."

"That's really saying something." I laugh. Bella has now untucked my shirt and is running her nails across my abs. I stop laughing and groan.

"I really like this new, happy Edward. He was so sullen before," says Alice to Bella.

"I was sullen because I was in a fake relationship without my knowledge because of you people. Hence, the aforementioned tainted love agreement."

"Bullshit. He's happy because he's getting regular pu-" Emmett is interrupted by Rosalie whacking him on the arm. "Ouch, babe. I know better than to say pussy. I was going to say putang. I have class."

"Yeah. Hot yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays," I mutter.

Rosalie sighs. "You're so lucky that I love you despite all this."

"It helps that you have a giant wang, Emmett," Bella chimes in, temporarily stopping her seduction. Good thing, because I was close to whimpering. "And you both are really bendy. I guess from the yoga?"

"Bella!" I say. "And may I ask how you know about Emmett's junk?"

She shrugs. "Rosalie is really loud and descriptive and our walls are thin. You don't have to be jealous. I love yours. It's so good when you're all the way in, I almost pass out-"

"Jesus, Bella," I groan. "Stop, baby."

"Am I over-sharing? Sorry. I just wanted to let everyone know how much I love your cock. It's magical. How are you so good at everything? Did Carlisle show you? Your mom always says, 'Like father like son.' I think she was talking about your penises."

"Ugh. My mom is too much."

"Apparently you and Dr. C are too much in the man department," Alice trills.

"Hey, I resemble that remark," says Jasper.

"You really do, sweetie." Alice pats his arm.

"Alice doesn't scream like Rosalie," Bella says. "She sings. It mostly sounds like porno opera. It's all like high notes and curse words. Though that time you did a mash-up of Salt 'n Pepa was really good."

" 'Push It' is a masterpiece. But, yeah. I can't really do my best work when Jasper is doing his best work...if you know what I mean." She waggles her eyebrows.

"Okay. So now I know what everyone sounds like in the throws of passion. Fantastic. I'm glad we're all so close," I mutter.

"Dude. We're just like a family," Emmett says, hand raised for a high five.

"Families don't listen to each other's sex noises," Rosalie says.

"Esme probably does. She's really involved in our lives. She asked me if Edward is a gentle and caring lover," Bella says, taking Alice's drink.

I groan. "I swear to god that woman is mental. I better check the closet when we go to bed tonight."

"She won't be there tonight. She's making plans. Lots of plans. I saw her book when I was there earlier."

"What? Is she redecorating?" I ask.

"I think she has to find a place for the crib. Oops," she says, covering her mouth. "No one is supposed to know."

"What the - is my mom pregnant? No fucking way. She's too old for that. Gross."

"You know your mom is way hot, right? Your dad must be hitting that on the regular," says Emmett. "Am I right? Jasper?" Emmett holds his hand up for a fist bump, but instead encounters everyone's horrified faces.

Well, not Bella's. She's occupied trying to make me come in my pants, I assume in an effort to distract me from the news...or because she's horny. I gently remove her hands from my dick, because this is too horrifying for me to stay hard.

"Dude. What the fuck?" I say. "Never speak of my mom and dad again. I can't even say which thought is more heinous."

"Your mother is not too old to have a baby. She's in her mid forties, and looks like she's ten years younger," chimes in Alice.

"She's got the body of a swimsuit model."

"Seriously, Emmett?" asks Rosalie. "Edward is going to have a panic attack."

"My mom? She's pregnant?" I let out a series of inarticulate sounds.

"He sounds like that video of a turtle having sex," says Emmett.

"Oh, that one was funny," adds Rosalie.

Emmett looks at her with love. "You complete me."

"Can we get back to my parents boning and not the turtle?" I screech.

"Yikes. Edward is losing it," says Jasper.

Yeah, I might be. My voice just got higher than Emmett's falsetto when he was in a boy band. I need to go to the source before I really freak out. I hit "Smother" on my phone.

"Mommy?" I say when she answers. She gasps. I never call her that. I put her on speaker phone so everyone can share in my misery.

"Oh my stars! My first born love-muffin," she says. "I'm so happy you called me. I was thinking about you while I was planning."

"Bella said you are pregnant!" I blurt out. Bella gasps and tries to smack me on the arm. She misses and hits her own arm.

My mom sucks in a breath. "I can't believe she told you that! I had a whole evening planned with a drama group and fireworks."

"Mrs. C! You were hiring other actors and not me and Jasper!" cries Emmett.

"Oh, Emmett, sweetheart, you're like family. I couldn't hire you for this job. But I do have some friends who are looking for good-looking boys for hire. They said they wanted two 'rent-boys' to perform for a private party. I know you can sing that song about the five hundred minutes. You'll be perfect for that job."

Alice snorts. "Congrats, Mrs. Cullen. You're the best mom I know."

"Thank you. But I really didn't want anyone to find out this way. I didn't even know that Bella knew about it. But that girl is too smart to hide anything from. That's why she got so much money from selling her company this week."

Everyone gasps.

Bella says, "Oh fiddlesticks. That woman knows and sees everything."

"Oh, was that a secret, sweetheart? I guess we're even now. Edward, my shmoopie, I'll expect you over soon to rub cocoa butter on my stomach to prevent stretch marks. It will be a good way to bond with your baby sister. See you, my love."

"Um, when were you going to tell us that you sold Shipper?" asks Rosalie.

"Yes, Bella. I thought we were your partners?" adds Alice.

She hiccups. "Er, technically I wrote our agreement that you two had a percentage of the company, but not control."

"So explain the details before you barf," says Rosalie, grabbing her drink from Bella's hand.

I'm still stunned that I'm going to be a brother, so I'm sitting here like a dumbass, just realizing that my girlfriend is probably rich.

"So I got a call from the people at Match. They wanted the company and made a good offer. I accepted. So I, along with you, have money."

"Not so fast, missy. We're not a dating site. We're a fake dating site," says Rosalie.

"And how much money?" asks Alice. "Like 'I can get a new designer shoes' money, or 'I can go to Europe' money?"

"Like 'you can buy a beach house in Malibu' money," Bella says. "And they wanted my on-device debugging tools and my proprietary cloud-based backend services for their site."

"I'm a rich girl, because she sold her app, and working doesn't matter anyway...

I can rely on Bella's money...Rose can rely on Bella's money-" Alice croons, dancing around our table. "Yes! Now my mom won't care that I haven't graduated yet."

"Wow. I don't even know what she said, but I understand 'beach house money,' " mumbles Rosalie. "You're amazing, Bella. I should let you invest my money...once I've purchased that BMW convertible I've been coveting."

"I understand 'back-end services' but I think it's a different kind," says Emmett.

"For sure, Rent-Boy," I add.

"I'm giving all the employees a large bonus, too, Emmett. So you and Jasper will get a big check. You won't have to be a rent-boy."

"Bella, you're the greatest. Because of you, I met Alice and I have some money to start that summer theater group I've been planning for extremely good-looking men," Jasper says, reaching over to hug her.

She glows with all the praise from our friends. Or it could be beer sweats. She has had everyone's drinks. She turns to me and touches my face.

"Edward...I'm sorry I drank so much. Two secrets were too much for me to hold onto. After I barf I promise to brush really good and then we can have sexy times," she says, eyes drooping. "I love you." She groans and then burps really loud, collapsing on my lap.

So much for the sexy times.

But I have the job I want. My smother will soon have another person to focus all of her interest upon. And best of all, my brilliant Bella is here next to me, loving me. She's passed out, but I know how she feels.

All in all I'm feeling fucking great.

.

.

.

.

.

AN: One more, I think. Maybe our favorite smother gives birth. This is unbeta'd, so be kind. I appreciate every comment, even if I don't respond. I haven't had much motivation to write, but I was sitting in my husband's hospital room (he's okay) and thought of Edward. I even got a plot bunny for a contest.


End file.
